Q:  My ex called recently and told me he's been missing me for years. We dated five years ago for about six months and I fell hard for him and was heartbroken when we broke up. He's much younger and while there were some habits he had I didn't like, he was still adorable.

Since he called we've gone on two dates. And on both dates he's already talked about marriage, kids and being with me. It's hard not to slip back into thoughts of how much I liked him years ago. He already asked to stay over my place and I told him I want to take it slow. Should I be wary?  My friends are supporting me with this, but they also are concerned he may be just telling what I want to hear to get me into bed. What do you think?

 

- Falling Again, Chicago

 

A:  I hope his impatience wasn’t one of the flaws that broke you two up in the first place. While a fast-track seduction probably can’t be ruled out as his motive – for now, let’s assume his intentions are pure – that he really is serious about getting serious with you. So, how do you feel about him?

 

You’ve mentioned falling hard for this guy in the past – but nothing about how you feel about him now. Do you want the same things you did back then? Does he still turn you on? If you want to take things slow – that’s completely understandable. Respecting your needs (and your reticence at this sudden turn of events) should be first on his agenda. First item on your agenda? Be clear about what you want. If he’s still it, go for it. There’s no law that says you have to marry him right away, is there?

 

Five years is a long time to be apart. But it can also be a good enough time to start over. Don’t try to recover the past (that’s advice for both of you). Live for the here and now. The speed at which you both re-engage should be in sync, not based on only one person’s schedule.

A:  These are the kinds of issues that should be taken up with your human resources department and/or your superior. I consulted with a lawyer friend who also recommended initially broaching the subject with HR in an email. For your own records, write down the time and place of each event and describe what happened. Sexual harassment is a serious issue. Don’t handle it alone.

 

 

A “good girl” is not always what one might think. She’s not square, nor is she a prude (the endurance of her chastity shouldn’t define her). Don’t be fooled by how she dresses either as they aren’t all librarians. What makes a girl “good” is her character, not her looks.

A good girl will try new things. She’ll meet you halfway. She’s sensitive, willing to listen and eager to challenge, but she is respectful of others and demands the same. A good girl won’t beg. She won’t chase a guy. A man has to invite her to join in. If he shares something of himself she’ll do the same.

Above all – a good girl is honest. Not unlike what the Irish call “a good man,” this kind of woman is a great listener, a straight-talker and not one to impose her will unjustly. There are a lot of them out there.

So, what does a man say to a good girl? I recommend saying “hello.” If he’s a good guy…the rest will take care of itself.
 

It sounds as though the only one getting hurt here is you. You’re the one who’s upset. You’re the one with all the hidden fears. What if you took your husband’s answer at face value – that he still thinks you’re sexy? You’re left with what’s really at issue: you don’t like the way you look. 

If your weight gain makes you feel “very unsexy” then what’s stopping you from taking up exercise and losing that weight? You seem to be craving change, so don’t use your husband as a reason (or an excuse) to do or not do something.

Your husband sounds like a great guy. If I were him I would want to know what you’re really feeling. You don’t need his approval to feel better about yourself, but you can enlist his support. If the goal is to create a sexier, slimmer (and most importantly) a more self-aware you – he’d be a fool not to find a way to help.
 

- Rachel, San Diego

Your girlfriend is right. Nobody’s going to respond to you unless you step forward and say, ‘here I am. This is me.’ Would you respond to a guy who wrote to you while hiding behind his buddy’s online profile?

You can continue relying on fate (no shame in that). But if you really want a date – and fate isn’t playing ball – you have to ask yourself…is what I’m doing working? It’s time to step up and try something new to get what you want. Who knows, if you dare to ask – someone’s bound to answer.
 

 

-- Liz, Portland, OR

 

Let me ask you: What does virginity mean to you? It doesn’t matter what your friends think…what do you want? If you really don’t want to have sex – then don’t. It doesn’t sound like you’re holding onto your virginity for any particular spiritual or moral reasons. You just want to find a good guy, right? Please don’t tell me you’re holding out for “The One.” Do that and you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment (and yet more celibacy).

I don’t know the particular reasons why you haven’t had a date in ages…but I suspect it’s because you’re holding out that virginity like a prize to be won. If you really want a guy’s perspective on this, here you go: Find a guy you know and like. He should be at least reasonably attractive to you. Flirt with him, let him know you like him – and then have sex with him. Try it; you might like it. Most of us don’t mind being used for such purposes.

Can you recall the first time you stood on a diving board? The distance to the water suddenly seemed so far below – it looks too scary to dive in headfirst, so instead you cannonball in (nobody does a perfect swan dive the first time). I'm not saying you should just hold your nose and get it over with. But if you'd like to have sex, you first must demystify it. Remember what happened when you came up for air? You said, I gotta do that again.
 

 

 

Don’t make frugality a reason to stay home. You have to make yourself available. The good news is that you a lot of options and they’re not all bars. Bars are fine when you want to hang with your friends. But for meeting new people – with all the distractions, noise and competition – not so much. And remember, where there is alcohol there are beer goggles. 

Real connections develop through shared interests and activities. Join a club. Take a class. Go to a few parties (even when you don’t want to go out). While you work from home, is there an option to go to an office every now and then, if only to reach out and touch other living beings? The point is to make the effort to get out of your habitual comfort zone, i.e. your home/office cave and prove to the world – and to yourself – that you exist. 

All of these options, by the way, cost little money and can only benefit you whether you meet someone or not. Save your bar tab cash to spend on a hot dress or new haircut. When you do go out for drinks, he’ll be paying.
 

Imagine yourself at an outdoor party. No rain is forecast…ever. The event stretches from the sunny, dry heat of the afternoon into a cool, breezy evening. There is undoubtedly some tempting body of water nearby and at least one of the guests is destined to take a seductive dip in front of everyone. You entertain the notion that tonight, that guest might be you.

'California Cool' is a little business made to look like pleasure. Look smart, yet definitely unbuttoned. Think green and wear organic. No shiny jackets nor shiny black shoes. Mix high and low. Sneakers with suits. H&M with designer vintage. You’re invited to roll up your sleeves because tattoos and fitness are welcomed here. Invest in a good pair of sunglasses. Facial hair? Yes. Chest hair? No. Pulling up in a sweet ride works too, because you don’t just drive your car in CA – you wear it.

 

California Cool means you don't really give a damn - but you still want people to notice. However you achieve that is up to you...just don't try too hard.
 

While I’ve never seen their pet cat…if it worked for these folks, who’s to argue with success? 

 

I really want to cut off my hair, but my boyfriend loves it long.  Why are guys obsessed with long hair?  And, how can I convince him that I’ll still look cute with a pixie do?
-  Lady Godiva, Irvine, CA

 

Clearly your boyfriend is no Hemingway. Yes, the legendary man’s man was crazy for women with short hair, and he often encouraged his long-haired ladies to cut it all off. I dated several women who did the same, and they all found the change empowering. Perhaps this is what disturbs some men…when their woman shears her long locks, she sheds one of the most classic identifiers of femininity and becomes…a boy?

Nonsense. When a woman gets a pixie cut – it emphasizes her face, her eyes, her neck and even her body. Do you remember Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies? (wow!)  No wonder so many women find a short cut empowering – and it sounds like you’re ready for the transformation.

I’m guessing you’ve already shown him photos of famous short-haired beauties such as Rihanna, Halle Berry, Jean Seberg (see above photo) and, of course, Louise Brooks. He’s still not convinced? Then there’s probably only one way to prove it – and that’s to go ahead and cut it. Do it. Prove him wrong and please yourself.