Ask Our Guy

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q: If a couple is married three years and is going to get a divorce, who keeps the ring?
- Caroline, Burbank, CA

Dear Caroline:
While I haven’t checked with a divorce attorney or a priest on this – as far as I’m concerned, that ring belongs to the woman.

A wedding ring is a symbol of a loving bond that is meant to be unbroken and everlasting. When the man gives it, it is more than a simple gift; that ring is his promise. While we all know that sometimes love doesn’t last forever, the promise still stands…and he shouldn’t take it back.

Have a question of your own to ask our guy? Send it to Marcello at [email protected]

Alison: I agree, you keep the ring. Returning the ring should only come into question if you break off the engagement before you get married.

By Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q: I met a guy in a European pub over a year ago, during two high drama hours at a bar (friend got in an accident). We’ve kept in touch online ever since, casually communicating. No talk of romantic interest on either side, but consistent friendly emailing. Now he’s invited me to visit him for a long weekend. I’m going for the travel opportunity, and for hell of it - but not sure what to expect. What’s your gut tell you? Is he potentially interested? Or just looking for a friend?
- Passport Experimenter, Hackensack, NJ

Dear Passport Experimenter: There’s something about “long weekend” that says there is a romantic potential in his offer. It’s enough time to let things develop naturally, but (hopefully) not too long to get on each other’s nerves.

It sounds like you’re both casual in your interest. As long as you don’t have any deep expectations either way, I would suggest that you go with your gut. If you’re attracted to him, throw a little caution to the wind and pursue what could, at the very least, be three days of all kinds of fun.

Have a question of your own to ask our guy? Send it to Marcello at [email protected]

By Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q: My guy gets so reserved and shut down when he’s stressed about work-what’s up? How much does a guy’s work life effect his dating/love/sex life?
- Tammi, Brooklyn, NY

Dear Tammi: For a lot of guys, one’s identity is tied up with what you do for a living. And some of us tend to take it to the extreme. Have you seen Glengarry Glen Ross? There’s a reason it features an all male cast. The workplace is where men are judged most harshly. So a bad week at work is not just a bad week - it could signal the beginnings of a crisis of confidence.

To start, it might help if you simply acknowledge that you’re aware of his stress - and that it’s work-related. At least then he’ll know that you know he’s not clamming up because of you. But if his funk lasts for an excessive period of time, or gets worse, it may help to go a step further and suggest he seek some help. In this case, he’s bringing way too much of his work home with him - and now you have a right to get involved to find a solution.

Have a question of your own to ask our guy? Send it to Marcello at [email protected]

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q: I am a single, very attractive, sane and balanced 40 year-old mother. I have married friends who have single male friends they want to set me up with but these men seem to get very freaked out by the thought of a set-up. They appear want to stay single (or do it their way?) rather than meet a woman their friends really think he’d dig. What’s up with that?
- Karen, Boise, ID

Dear Karen:
Set-ups can be intimidating, even amongst friends. In fact, I wonder if these guys are holding off simply because they don’t want to disappoint their friends in case it doesn’t work out. Such sensitivity has been known to exist in the male species.

In addition, it probably won’t surprise you to learn that some guys aren’t into dating women who have kids. If things progress beyond casual dating, that guy will also have to start a relationship with your children (and perhaps your ex, as well). Not everyone is ready for that many relationships right away.

It’s not all bad news, however. Why not suggest to your married friends that they invite you and these awesome single men to a party? They can make those vital introductions in a casual setting – and where both you and the guys are free to mingle with whomever you wish. It will seem less like a set-up, and more like a pressure-free meeting of (soon-to-be) mutual friends.

Oh, and one more suggestion for the marrieds: when they host the event, let you subtly play the star.

Have a question of your own to ask our guy? Send it to Marcello at [email protected]

By Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q: Is it safe to use a steaming iron machine near a fire alarm? I have been told the steam can set it off?
- Curious in her PJ’s, New Jersey

Dear Curious: Apparently, just about any hot vapor can set off a fire alarm, or, more specifically, a smoke detector. Thankfully, newer models are less prone to be fooled by such things as kitchen heat or hairspray.

Can you smoke a cigarette or light a candle near one? Yes. But you’re asking for some high-pitched trouble if you take a hot shower on a cold day and open the door to the bathroom. The immediate temperature and humidity change could set a detector off.

As for your steaming iron - I’m guessing that’s one big ass iron you’ve got there. It’s probably best to steam your shirts a few feet away, or employ a room fan to dissipate the steam.

Have a question of your own to ask our guy? Send it to Marcello at [email protected]

By Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q: I don’t have sex EVER on the first date (ever, ever, ever!), but recently four girls I know have and now they all are dating the guy they went home with on the first date and I am still single! I find it completely perplexing….
- Tracy, 28, Seattle

Dear Tracy: I don’t profess to know what your average woman wants when heading out on a first date. But I can tell you what’s number one on a man’s agenda: have sex. So, let’s say he manages to succeed in his quest. I guarantee, the next morning, that guy’s thinking he’s some kind of sexual genius.

There’s nothing really wrong with this scenario. It seems to have worked out for your girlfriends (at least for a while). But let’s be realistic: every man has an “inner douchebag” whose lady-killing prowess is legendary. By granting him fast track access to the prize, you will have unleashed the “ID.” And for some, the ID takes over.

This is, of course, the classic reason for the “no sex on the first date” rule. The guy won’t respect you, right? Well, let’s forget about guys and our simple needs for a second…what do you want? What’s stopping you from having sex on a first date? Don’t let the presence of ID keep you from doing what you want to do. It’s your choice.

The point is, there is no (pardon the expression) hard and fast rule about this. If you have sex with him right away, acknowledge there is some ID at play and proceed accordingly. Maybe you’ve already experienced the best he’s got.

Here’s a strategy of sorts. If you’ve just met someone and there are real sparks between you, wait until the second date. If he’s elusive to meet up again, you’ll know his ID Force is strong. But if you can get together at a time that fits your both your schedules - even that short time apart should build enough distance for the two of you to be both objective and eager to recapture what you felt the first time.

Have a question of your own to ask our guy? Send it to Marcello at [email protected]

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q: My boyfriend and I had a huge fight last night. It was our 4 month anniversary, and he was saying how he was so happy to be with me and even though we fight, he wasn’t going anywhere. Then after dinner he got angry at me. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me anymore, and after I left I called him on the phone, and he kept calling me a retard. It sounds like he doesn’t respect me at all, but I’m so attached to him, and I don’t know why. I probably should break up with him, but I just can’t seem to do it. I don’t understand why I like him so much.
- Anonymous, CA

Dear Anonymous:
I don’t understand why you like him so much, either. Perhaps it’s the charge you get from making up after all those fights you seem to have? Maybe you like hearing him promise that he’s “not going anywhere.” It sounds as though much of your time together has been spent in breakup mode. Isn’t four months supposed to be a honeymoon period?

What’s most disturbing is his ugly, dismissive attitude toward you. Who calls his girlfriend a ‘retard’? A creep, that’s who. Not only is that an offensive remark, it demonstrates a profound unwillingness on his part to take you, and your relationship seriously.

Let’s face it, when this guy tells you he’s here to stay, it’s only to keep you quiet. He’s trying to break up with you, but you won’t let him. So now it’s your choice to make – and the right time to make it. Dump the chump.

Have a question of your own to ask our guy? Send it to Marcello at [email protected]

Making Plans

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q: I’ve been dating this guy for about a month – and every time we make arrangements to get together he asks me what I want to do or where we should go. Why is he asking me all the time? Call me old-fashioned, but I think a man should know what he wants to do and where to take me. Am I crazy?
- Mary, Coldwell, NJ

A: From the tone of your question, Mary, I’m wondering if he isn’t a bit intimidated. I should think that if he were the one who asked you out in the first place, he would have had an idea of what he wanted to do on the first date. Did you reject his ideas out of turn?

There’s nothing wrong with a man wanting to inquire what you might like to do or eat – especially if you don’t know each other. If, however, after a few dates he continually defers to you to make the call he’s either:
a. concerned you won’t like his choices
b. a wimp
c. both

If you like him, despite his lack of creative input, take a moment to ask him about it. Tell him that you would like to hear his thoughts on the matter – and that you will agree to join him. You never know…perhaps he’s been sitting on a vast wellspring of activities – and now that you have made it clear you’re willing to hear them – a flood of exciting possibilities will be unleashed onto your calendar(s).

Have a question of your own to ask our guy? Send it to Marcello at [email protected]

Ready to Make the Big Leap?

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q. What are some sure fire signs that a guy is ready to take the big leap into living together or even marriage?
- Vicky, Warren, MI

A. If you’re at the stage in a relationship where you’re regularly picking his underwear off the floor, he’s probably already living with you, which is a sure fire sign that you should start asking for rent money.

Moving on to marriage, if he brings up the subject in the positive – the guy is ready – very ready. Does he fix stuff in the house? That’s good. Does he actually remodel it? Even better. Does he voluntarily attend open houses, take you to housewares stores or consult your calendar before making plans? These are all solid gold signs of nesting behavior in the male species. You may now declare open season on marriage discussions. If, however, you observe such behavior in your boyfriend, yet he’s still reticent to talk marriage, he is either:

1. already well into the buying-you-a-ring/planning-where-he’ll-propose stage

2. already married to someone else

3. still dealing with his mommy issues

Don’t worry, it’s probably reason #1.

Go Ahead and Cut It

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q. I really want to cut off my hair, but my boyfriend loves it long. Why are guys obsessed with long hair? And, how can I convince him that I’ll still look cute with a pixie do?
- Lady Godiva, Irvine, CA

A. Clearly your boyfriend is no Hemingway. Yes, the legendary man’s man was crazy for women with short hair, and he often encouraged his long-haired ladies to cut it all off. I dated several women who did the same, and they all found the change empowering. Perhaps this is what disturbs some men…when their woman shears her long locks, she sheds one of the most classic identifiers of femininity and becomes…a boy?

Nonsense. When a woman gets a pixie cut – it emphasizes her face, her eyes, her neck and even her body. Do you remember Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies? (wow!) No wonder so many women find a short cut empowering – and it sounds like you’re ready for the transformation.

I’m guessing you’ve already shown him photos of famous short-haired beauties such as Rihanna, Halle Berry, Jean Seberg (see above photo) and, of course, Louise Brooks. He’s still not convinced? Then there’s probably only one way to prove it – and that’s to go ahead and cut it. Do it. Prove him wrong and please yourself.