Ask Our Guy

From the Poor House to the Pour House

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q. So I’d love to date more often, but I work from home and don’t make a lot of money. I have to be frugal so going out several times a week to bars is not an option for meeting guys. Any suggestions?
- Victoria, New York City

A. Don’t make frugality a reason to stay home. You have to make yourself available. The good news is that you a lot of options and they’re not all bars. Bars are fine when you want to hang with your friends. But for meeting new people – with all the distractions, noise and competition – not so much. And remember, where there is alcohol there are beer goggles.

Real connections develop through shared interests and activities. Join a club. Take a class. Go to a few parties (even when you don’t want to go out). While you work from home, is there an option to go to an office every now and then, if only to reach out and touch other living beings? The point is to make the effort to get out of your habitual comfort zone, i.e. your home/office cave and prove to the world – and to yourself – that you exist.

All of these options, by the way, cost little money and can only benefit you whether you meet someone or not. Save your bar tab cash to spend on a hot dress or new haircut. When you do go out for drinks, he’ll be paying.

Leave Your Husband Out Of It

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q. I’ve gained weight since I got married, and sometimes it makes me feel very unsexy. My husband still thinks I’m sexy and loves making love to me, but I have a strange feeling that he’s ‘just being nice’ and would rather have me thinner. I’ve heard that you should never say “I feel fat” to a man because then he might start thinking you are. I try not to talk about my weight gain and get upset about it around him, but sometimes I can’t help it—in a way I feel like I have to acknowledge it. Any advice?
–Voluptuous plus, Chicago, IL

A. It sounds as though the only one getting hurt here is you. You’re the one who’s upset. You’re the one with all the hidden fears. What if you took your husband’s answer at face value – that he still thinks you’re sexy? You’re left with what’s really at issue: you don’t like the way you look.

If your weight gain makes you feel “very unsexy” then what’s stopping you from taking up exercise and losing that weight? You seem to be craving change, so don’t use your husband as a reason (or an excuse) to do or not do something.

Your husband sounds like a great guy. If I were him I would want to know what you’re really feeling. You don’t need his approval to feel better about yourself, but you can enlist his support. If the goal is to create a sexier, slimmer (and most importantly) a more self-aware you – he’d be a fool not to find a way to help.

What’s Inside a Good Girl?

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q. How can you tell a “good girl” when you see one? Then: what do you tell her?
- M.J., Maine

A. “good girl” is not always what one might think. She’s not square, nor is she a prude (the endurance of her chastity shouldn’t define her). Don’t be fooled by how she dresses either as they aren’t all librarians. What makes a girl “good” is her character, not her looks.

A good girl will try new things. She’ll meet you halfway. She’s sensitive, willing to listen and eager to challenge, but she is respectful of others and demands the same. A good girl won’t beg. She won’t chase a guy. A man has to invite her to join in. If he shares something of himself she’ll do the same.

Above all – a good girl is honest. Not unlike what the Irish call “a good man,” this kind of woman is a great listener, a straight-talker and not one to impose her will unjustly. There are a lot of them out there.

So, what does a man say to a good girl? I recommend saying “hello.” If he’s a good guy…the rest will take care of itself.

Get back with the ex…or give it a rest?

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q: My ex called recently and told me he’s been missing me for years. We dated five years ago for about six months and I fell hard for him and was heartbroken when we broke up. He’s much younger and while there were some habits he had I didn’t like, he was still adorable.

Since he called we’ve gone on two dates. And on both dates he’s already talked about marriage, kids and being with me. It’s hard not to slip back into thoughts of how much I liked him years ago. He already asked to stay over my place and I told him I want to take it slow. Should I be wary? My friends are supporting me with this, but they also are concerned he may be just telling what I want to hear to get me into bed. What do you think?
- Falling Again, Chicago

A: I hope his impatience wasn’t one of the flaws that broke you two up in the first place. While a fast-track seduction probably can’t be ruled out as his motive – for now, let’s assume his intentions are pure – that he really is serious about getting serious with you. So, how do you feel about him?

You’ve mentioned falling hard for this guy in the past – but nothing about how you feel about him now. Do you want the same things you did back then? Does he still turn you on? If you want to take things slow – that’s completely understandable. Respecting your needs (and your reticence at this sudden turn of events) should be first on his agenda. First item on your agenda? Be clear about what you want. If he’s still it, go for it. There’s no law that says you have to marry him right away, is there?
Five years is a long time to be apart. But it can also be a good enough time to start over. Don’t try to recover the past (that’s advice for both of you). Live for the here and now. The speed at which you both re-engage should be in sync, not based on only one person’s schedule.

Dating Fate - or Dating Fear?

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q. I’d like to go on more dates, but I don’t seem to be meeting anyone. While at a friend’s apartment recently I checked out guys on her internet dating site. I wrote to three guys through her connection, saying that I wasn’t her, but I would be interested in chatting. None of them responded. Another girlfriend says it’s because I’m not signed up on the site so guys can’t see my photo or learn about me. She says I should just sign up and give it a try because guys are going to think I have something against internet dating. I don’t want to sign up, but I’d like a date.
- Rachel, San Diego

A. Your girlfriend is right. Nobody’s going to respond to you unless you step forward and say, ‘here I am. This is me.’ Would you respond to a guy who wrote to you while hiding behind his buddy’s online profile?

You can continue relying on fate (no shame in that). But if you really want a date – and fate isn’t playing ball – you have to ask yourself…is what I’m doing working? It’s time to step up and try something new to get what you want. Who knows, if you dare to ask – someone’s bound to answer.

Aging

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q: How well can a guy tell a woman’s age?
- Jennifer, Ottawa, Canada

A: How seriously a guy tries to guess your age is in direct proportion to how much hair he’s lost on his head.

Most men are highly visual, which probably stems from our ancient caveman hunting skills – or too much TV watching. The good news is: we’re not going to start guessing your age the first moment we see you. But like it or not, we do pay attention to what we see. This fact, however, should not lead women to assume that they should try to fool us into thinking they are a certain “desirable age.”

If you approach a date or meeting with the confidence that you’re going to have a great time; that you’re there to entertain and be entertained; that you look your best by acting like yourself (and not as someone else) – any issue you (or he) may have about your age is bound to become less important. In fact, men respond more enthusiastically to a woman who proves she can genuinely have a good time no matter what her age.

First (Blind) Date Dressing

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q: What should I wear on a first date after meeting someone online?
- Kristen, Schenectady, NY

A: Assuming you didn’t lie (too much) on your online profile, you should look and dress for the role of you. So if you’re the folksy chick who sells her own homespun alpaca hats at Burning Man – I doubt he’s expecting to see you wearing high heels. Are you a principal at your law firm who also likes to rock climb on the weekends? I’d like to see how those two parts of your life reconcile themselves on your bod.

Try to wear at least one thing that tells a story. One item that invites questions so that you can tell him more about you (that he hasn’t already fantasized about). It could be a piece of jewelry, a tattoo, a short skirt and hiking boots…

And if you’re wondering whether you should wear something “sexy,” well, we all want to see “sexy.” But considering how many people confuse sexy with trashy – on a first date it pays to show it off in moderation. Apply that one storytelling item of clothing to focus on the body part (ankle, shoulder, neck, etc) you know to be most worthy of a retelling.

Picking Up The Check

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q: I know this may sound like a cliché, but I still get opposing opinions on it from my friends, both male and female. So, here goes… Should a man pay on the first date?
- Valerie, Boston, MA

A: Should he pay? Yes. Why should he pay? Because.