Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q: I am a single, very attractive, sane and balanced 40 year-old mother. I have married friends who have single male friends they want to set me up with but these men seem to get very freaked out by the thought of a set-up. They appear want to stay single (or do it their way?) rather than meet a woman their friends really think he’d dig. What’s up with that?
- Karen, Boise, ID

Dear Karen:
Set-ups can be intimidating, even amongst friends. In fact, I wonder if these guys are holding off simply because they don’t want to disappoint their friends in case it doesn’t work out. Such sensitivity has been known to exist in the male species.

In addition, it probably won’t surprise you to learn that some guys aren’t into dating women who have kids. If things progress beyond casual dating, that guy will also have to start a relationship with your children (and perhaps your ex, as well). Not everyone is ready for that many relationships right away.

It’s not all bad news, however. Why not suggest to your married friends that they invite you and these awesome single men to a party? They can make those vital introductions in a casual setting – and where both you and the guys are free to mingle with whomever you wish. It will seem less like a set-up, and more like a pressure-free meeting of (soon-to-be) mutual friends.

Oh, and one more suggestion for the marrieds: when they host the event, let you subtly play the star.

Have a question of your own to ask our guy? Send it to Marcello at [email protected]

By Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q: I don’t have sex EVER on the first date (ever, ever, ever!), but recently four girls I know have and now they all are dating the guy they went home with on the first date and I am still single! I find it completely perplexing….
- Tracy, 28, Seattle

Dear Tracy: I don’t profess to know what your average woman wants when heading out on a first date. But I can tell you what’s number one on a man’s agenda: have sex. So, let’s say he manages to succeed in his quest. I guarantee, the next morning, that guy’s thinking he’s some kind of sexual genius.

There’s nothing really wrong with this scenario. It seems to have worked out for your girlfriends (at least for a while). But let’s be realistic: every man has an “inner douchebag” whose lady-killing prowess is legendary. By granting him fast track access to the prize, you will have unleashed the “ID.” And for some, the ID takes over.

This is, of course, the classic reason for the “no sex on the first date” rule. The guy won’t respect you, right? Well, let’s forget about guys and our simple needs for a second…what do you want? What’s stopping you from having sex on a first date? Don’t let the presence of ID keep you from doing what you want to do. It’s your choice.

The point is, there is no (pardon the expression) hard and fast rule about this. If you have sex with him right away, acknowledge there is some ID at play and proceed accordingly. Maybe you’ve already experienced the best he’s got.

Here’s a strategy of sorts. If you’ve just met someone and there are real sparks between you, wait until the second date. If he’s elusive to meet up again, you’ll know his ID Force is strong. But if you can get together at a time that fits your both your schedules - even that short time apart should build enough distance for the two of you to be both objective and eager to recapture what you felt the first time.

Have a question of your own to ask our guy? Send it to Marcello at [email protected]

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q: My boyfriend and I had a huge fight last night. It was our 4 month anniversary, and he was saying how he was so happy to be with me and even though we fight, he wasn’t going anywhere. Then after dinner he got angry at me. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me anymore, and after I left I called him on the phone, and he kept calling me a retard. It sounds like he doesn’t respect me at all, but I’m so attached to him, and I don’t know why. I probably should break up with him, but I just can’t seem to do it. I don’t understand why I like him so much.
- Anonymous, CA

Dear Anonymous:
I don’t understand why you like him so much, either. Perhaps it’s the charge you get from making up after all those fights you seem to have? Maybe you like hearing him promise that he’s “not going anywhere.” It sounds as though much of your time together has been spent in breakup mode. Isn’t four months supposed to be a honeymoon period?

What’s most disturbing is his ugly, dismissive attitude toward you. Who calls his girlfriend a ‘retard’? A creep, that’s who. Not only is that an offensive remark, it demonstrates a profound unwillingness on his part to take you, and your relationship seriously.

Let’s face it, when this guy tells you he’s here to stay, it’s only to keep you quiet. He’s trying to break up with you, but you won’t let him. So now it’s your choice to make – and the right time to make it. Dump the chump.

Have a question of your own to ask our guy? Send it to Marcello at [email protected]

Making Plans

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q: I’ve been dating this guy for about a month – and every time we make arrangements to get together he asks me what I want to do or where we should go. Why is he asking me all the time? Call me old-fashioned, but I think a man should know what he wants to do and where to take me. Am I crazy?
- Mary, Coldwell, NJ

A: From the tone of your question, Mary, I’m wondering if he isn’t a bit intimidated. I should think that if he were the one who asked you out in the first place, he would have had an idea of what he wanted to do on the first date. Did you reject his ideas out of turn?

There’s nothing wrong with a man wanting to inquire what you might like to do or eat – especially if you don’t know each other. If, however, after a few dates he continually defers to you to make the call he’s either:
a. concerned you won’t like his choices
b. a wimp
c. both

If you like him, despite his lack of creative input, take a moment to ask him about it. Tell him that you would like to hear his thoughts on the matter – and that you will agree to join him. You never know…perhaps he’s been sitting on a vast wellspring of activities – and now that you have made it clear you’re willing to hear them – a flood of exciting possibilities will be unleashed onto your calendar(s).

Have a question of your own to ask our guy? Send it to Marcello at [email protected]

Ready to Make the Big Leap?

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q. What are some sure fire signs that a guy is ready to take the big leap into living together or even marriage?
- Vicky, Warren, MI

A. If you’re at the stage in a relationship where you’re regularly picking his underwear off the floor, he’s probably already living with you, which is a sure fire sign that you should start asking for rent money.

Moving on to marriage, if he brings up the subject in the positive – the guy is ready – very ready. Does he fix stuff in the house? That’s good. Does he actually remodel it? Even better. Does he voluntarily attend open houses, take you to housewares stores or consult your calendar before making plans? These are all solid gold signs of nesting behavior in the male species. You may now declare open season on marriage discussions. If, however, you observe such behavior in your boyfriend, yet he’s still reticent to talk marriage, he is either:

1. already well into the buying-you-a-ring/planning-where-he’ll-propose stage

2. already married to someone else

3. still dealing with his mommy issues

Don’t worry, it’s probably reason #1.

Go Ahead and Cut It

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q. I really want to cut off my hair, but my boyfriend loves it long. Why are guys obsessed with long hair? And, how can I convince him that I’ll still look cute with a pixie do?
- Lady Godiva, Irvine, CA

A. Clearly your boyfriend is no Hemingway. Yes, the legendary man’s man was crazy for women with short hair, and he often encouraged his long-haired ladies to cut it all off. I dated several women who did the same, and they all found the change empowering. Perhaps this is what disturbs some men…when their woman shears her long locks, she sheds one of the most classic identifiers of femininity and becomes…a boy?

Nonsense. When a woman gets a pixie cut – it emphasizes her face, her eyes, her neck and even her body. Do you remember Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies? (wow!) No wonder so many women find a short cut empowering – and it sounds like you’re ready for the transformation.

I’m guessing you’ve already shown him photos of famous short-haired beauties such as Rihanna, Halle Berry, Jean Seberg (see above photo) and, of course, Louise Brooks. He’s still not convinced? Then there’s probably only one way to prove it – and that’s to go ahead and cut it. Do it. Prove him wrong and please yourself.

From the Poor House to the Pour House

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q. So I’d love to date more often, but I work from home and don’t make a lot of money. I have to be frugal so going out several times a week to bars is not an option for meeting guys. Any suggestions?
- Victoria, New York City

A. Don’t make frugality a reason to stay home. You have to make yourself available. The good news is that you a lot of options and they’re not all bars. Bars are fine when you want to hang with your friends. But for meeting new people – with all the distractions, noise and competition – not so much. And remember, where there is alcohol there are beer goggles.

Real connections develop through shared interests and activities. Join a club. Take a class. Go to a few parties (even when you don’t want to go out). While you work from home, is there an option to go to an office every now and then, if only to reach out and touch other living beings? The point is to make the effort to get out of your habitual comfort zone, i.e. your home/office cave and prove to the world – and to yourself – that you exist.

All of these options, by the way, cost little money and can only benefit you whether you meet someone or not. Save your bar tab cash to spend on a hot dress or new haircut. When you do go out for drinks, he’ll be paying.

What’s Inside a Good Girl?

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q. How can you tell a “good girl” when you see one? Then: what do you tell her?
- M.J., Maine

A. “good girl” is not always what one might think. She’s not square, nor is she a prude (the endurance of her chastity shouldn’t define her). Don’t be fooled by how she dresses either as they aren’t all librarians. What makes a girl “good” is her character, not her looks.

A good girl will try new things. She’ll meet you halfway. She’s sensitive, willing to listen and eager to challenge, but she is respectful of others and demands the same. A good girl won’t beg. She won’t chase a guy. A man has to invite her to join in. If he shares something of himself she’ll do the same.

Above all – a good girl is honest. Not unlike what the Irish call “a good man,” this kind of woman is a great listener, a straight-talker and not one to impose her will unjustly. There are a lot of them out there.

So, what does a man say to a good girl? I recommend saying “hello.” If he’s a good guy…the rest will take care of itself.

Get back with the ex…or give it a rest?

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q: My ex called recently and told me he’s been missing me for years. We dated five years ago for about six months and I fell hard for him and was heartbroken when we broke up. He’s much younger and while there were some habits he had I didn’t like, he was still adorable.

Since he called we’ve gone on two dates. And on both dates he’s already talked about marriage, kids and being with me. It’s hard not to slip back into thoughts of how much I liked him years ago. He already asked to stay over my place and I told him I want to take it slow. Should I be wary? My friends are supporting me with this, but they also are concerned he may be just telling what I want to hear to get me into bed. What do you think?
- Falling Again, Chicago

A: I hope his impatience wasn’t one of the flaws that broke you two up in the first place. While a fast-track seduction probably can’t be ruled out as his motive – for now, let’s assume his intentions are pure – that he really is serious about getting serious with you. So, how do you feel about him?

You’ve mentioned falling hard for this guy in the past – but nothing about how you feel about him now. Do you want the same things you did back then? Does he still turn you on? If you want to take things slow – that’s completely understandable. Respecting your needs (and your reticence at this sudden turn of events) should be first on his agenda. First item on your agenda? Be clear about what you want. If he’s still it, go for it. There’s no law that says you have to marry him right away, is there?
Five years is a long time to be apart. But it can also be a good enough time to start over. Don’t try to recover the past (that’s advice for both of you). Live for the here and now. The speed at which you both re-engage should be in sync, not based on only one person’s schedule.

Dating Fate - or Dating Fear?

by Marcello (our guest guy writer)

Q. I’d like to go on more dates, but I don’t seem to be meeting anyone. While at a friend’s apartment recently I checked out guys on her internet dating site. I wrote to three guys through her connection, saying that I wasn’t her, but I would be interested in chatting. None of them responded. Another girlfriend says it’s because I’m not signed up on the site so guys can’t see my photo or learn about me. She says I should just sign up and give it a try because guys are going to think I have something against internet dating. I don’t want to sign up, but I’d like a date.
- Rachel, San Diego

A. Your girlfriend is right. Nobody’s going to respond to you unless you step forward and say, ‘here I am. This is me.’ Would you respond to a guy who wrote to you while hiding behind his buddy’s online profile?

You can continue relying on fate (no shame in that). But if you really want a date – and fate isn’t playing ball – you have to ask yourself…is what I’m doing working? It’s time to step up and try something new to get what you want. Who knows, if you dare to ask – someone’s bound to answer.